Healing and forgiveness are powerful gifts from God that we can’t understand or fully comprehend. But it will get better, we’re promised that. Messing up and asking for help, seeking forgiveness, and trying to repair the damage will still be long and painful. It’s what we do with the mess up that can make us or break us. We are all flawed, damaged, broken people. While my indulgences don’t have huge ramifications that disappoint people and destroy lives, I can see how easy it would be to keep doing things like spending money or eating more and more food if I didn’t have a husband who asked where all the money went or clothes that got tighter and tighter. If I’m making bad food choices, I don’t stop after a bad meal, I keep going for the next meal too because it’s just one last time before the diet starts again tomorrow. If I realize I’ve spent too much money on groceries or at the mall, I have this little part of my brain that says I can spend just a little more before I stop. It was a night of indulgence, supposedly his “last hurrah” with these friends and drugs before he started walking the straight and narrow as a married man.Įxcept that the last hurrah wasn’t the last hurrah and he always had “just one more time.” This one-last-time thing went on for years until he eventually got caught. He said that on the night of his bachelor party, he and his friends went camping and brought a large assortment of drugs. But something that Chris said to me once when I asked how being a drug addict for years and keeping it a secret in our marriage even worked stuck with me and I think about it often. I’m a secondary character in that mix even though I say it’s our story. I don’t share much of our addiction story details, mostly because they’re not wholly mine. But sometimes–and this is where things tend to get out of control–we don’t get caught immediately and so we keep doing this thing we’re not supposed to do because we got away with it.Īnd then we’re in too deep and getting out–whether we want to or not–doesn’t seem like a possibility. Sometimes the damage is immediately apparent. We do things when we’re alone, do things on the internet, do things when we think no one is paying attention that hurt us, that hurt others. It might not be at first, but it will be. Guys, write this down: what you do when no one is around will eventually be found out. And it’s not so much that I’m disappointed in the person or persons involved (although I am, a little), it’s that I just can’t believe people still think they can do whatever they want, whenever they want and never get caught. Every single time we get more news about someone doing something they’re not supposed to, my heart breaks a little more.
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